A Dying Breed, The Cultured

Culture. adjective

*characterized by refined taste and manners and good education.*

It’s called being “cultured” and I want nothing less for me and my children. It’s about teaching them the basics of a PROPER existence. Teach them how to be a positive and productive part of society… Be nice, kind, have RESPECT for yourself and others. Example: say “please”, ” thank you “, and ” pardon me”, eat with a fork and start with the left one, put your napkin on your lap, wear a suit AND tie to a job interview, be very respectful to our seniors and listen to them(they are wiser than YOU!! They have “been there”), take GOOD advice weather you agree or not, learn from other peoples mistakes, save your money, live simply, avoid drama and chaos, always make a good first impression, pajamas are NOT ACCEPTABLE public attire (even at Walmart!), refer to your teachers, bosses, and clergy as “ma’am” or “sir” while in conversation, have something to offer, teach someone something, offer assistance when it’s needed, do things NOT out of obligation, but do things that are MORALLY and ETHICALLY right, you ARE who you hang with so choose your circle wisely, learn something new everyday, never begin a task unless you intend on finishing it, be brave ALWAYS (that which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger), work until the job is DONE, not until you’re tired, go to bed at a decent hour, a good education is EVERYTHING and ALWAYS ALWAYS do what is expected PLUS a little bit more!

Why aren’t people teaching these values anymore? This used to be common sense.

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I WILL be a success with ADHD

This is a response, to a reply on a Reddit post about ADHD, that I wrote…
Bless your heart, you have struggled long enough. I hear you, loud and clear, when you say that you are broke financially and emotionally. I completely understand about all the “what if’s”. I’m no different than you. At this very moment, I believe my bank account holds $1.76!! I am struggling to pay for real estate classes that start next week, and I have NO CLUE where the money is going to come from! I have such BIG HOPES AND DREAMS, am I going to GIVE UP, yet AGAIN, just because I can’t come up with 300 bucks???
… HELL NO!
NOT THIS TIME!!
But, in all actuality, it’s not about the money. It’s about the mindset. If you lack determination and drive, you will struggle. Most people, like us, just don’t have the drive. I sure didn’t! And I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got it now, but I am NOT giving myself the option of giving up.
A couple of weeks ago, I did some serious soul searching. (I do this on a daily basis, lol, don’t we all!?) The conversation in my head began the same as it always does…” I suck, my life is going NOWHERE, I’m broke, something has to change, I can’t go on, this time will be different,…” I almost couldn’t even continue the conversation…… It was the SAME thing I’d been telling myself for years and I hadn’t listened to myself before, why should I now????
Here is where it gets real. Instead of talking to myself, I decided to take a good look at myself. I briefly glanced at my unproductive past, filled with dissapointments, failures, and damaged relationships. I, then, tried to focus on my future…..What future??? I could only see MORE failures ahead. I started thinking about the PEOPLE in my life that I had let down. My children, who at this time, had/have NO real role model in their lives to emulate. How on earth can I expect a positive, healthy, successful future for them, when I’m not living a successful life?? No wonder my family has alienated me!! Eventually, everyone, even my precious children, will have no use for me! What the hell do I have to offer anyone? I am of absolutely no use to anyone, I am seroiusly just taking up space. I AM, IN FACT, A FAILURE! I frantically began searching for a way out of this mess of a life I’d made and quickly realized there wasn’t one!! I WAS, for the first time, TERRIFIED!
Only my death will fix this, so I seriously contemplated suicide. I believed that if I wasn’t around, my precious children would be forced to live with people that would, hopefully, push them to be the BEST they can be!! I want that for them, they deserve that!
My mind was made up, I’m going to kill myself. But, I didn’t feel good about this decision. I knew I needed to die, I just didn’t want my kids to cry for me. 😥😟😭😭😭
And, in that moment, in some crazy twist-of-fate, something inside me snapped!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THEM! I WON’T LEAVE THEM!
What the fuck am I thinking?? ADHD strikes again…telling me to give up, cant do this, failure! OH, NO ADHD! NOT TODAY!!
I changed my whole pattern of thinking. My whole pattern of thinking HAD TO CHANGE!!! I realized that the things i was doing in my life, up to this point, WERE NOT WORKING!!! So, I began doing the OPPOSITE of everything!! …
Aaaaand, guess what???
It’s WORKING!

Depressing Diagnosis

After my dx, I pretty much became an alcoholic! I was so relieved to finally know that I had a disorder, and that I wasn’t just a complete failure at life!! But I quickly spiralled into a depression bc I realized that my ADHD was never gonna go away, that I was never gonna be a productive part of society! That I was forever gonna be just a walking collection of symptoms!! That I was never gonna get that Bachelors degree, never gonna have a real career, never gonna get a fair shot at success bc I am NOT and NEVER gonna be “normal”!
Life is better now though! I embrace my ADHD dx. I have accepted the fact that I am a hunter in a gatherers world. Learned to love myself, just as I am.❤. After all, what other choice do we have??

A Mother’s Perspective Of ADHD

I HAVE to share this with you… it is so powerful! Keep in mind, I did NOT write this! It was beautifully written by Rachael Simmon.  As a person with ADHD, I’m also the mother of 3 children with ADHD, and this couldn’t be more perfectly stated….

  I sit here alone, as I often do,   Looking through pictures, pictures of you,

I think of the good times as a family we’ve had,

But, lately, they seem far outweighed by the bad.

I know you’re unhappy and it makes my heart ache.

If wishes came true, then your place I’d take.

Your head is filled with anger.  Your heart is full of pain.

For you, I am fighting, but I’m feeling the strain.

I’m not always patient.  Sometimes I get mad.

I scream and I shout, and Lord, I feel bad.

 ‘Cause the last thing you need is more anger and hate.

Cause you’ve had plenty of that in your life to date.

No one knows of the loneliness or the tears that are shed.

They don’t care how you’re feeling, or whats going on in your head.

 They see a boy naughty, what a pain you can be.

They should try living with ADHD.

This morning “you hate me.”   I’m sure that you don’t.

“I’ll hate you forever.”  I’m sure that you won’t.

Whatever you say, and whatever you do,  the fact will remain, that I’ll always love you.

I pray for you daily.  I cry for you too.  I cry for my child to no longer be blue.

  So if there is a God, and he’s listening to me,

Please try lessening the heartache of  ADHD.

Missing You On Mother’s Day

I miss going to the greenhouse to pick out the perfect hanging basket of pink petunias, they were her favorite. I miss picking out a new set of plaid dishtowels, in just the right shade of country-blue to match her kitchen. I miss standing in the greeting card aisle, tearing up, as I read each and every heart-felt sediment. 

    Every now and again, I look at your pictures and wonder how I could ever cherish a piece paper more. At times, I’ll hear your voice, and it  sounds sweet like a song.  And, I’ll always know that no one could ever love me more than you did,  Mom.  Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and many questions will, forever, go unanswered, but, I know you were exactly who I needed you to be. Being a mother; it’s a labor of love that requires a special kind of person.  You were my person!

Thank you for being my Mom! 

Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven!  

 

A Special Letter

I want to write a letter.  The kind of letter that you re-read, over and over.  The letter I want to write will bring tears to your eyes, if only i could find the words.  I need to explain to her the love that I feel.  A love that cannot possibly be expressed into words.  My heart is bursting, my words should be flowing like water; where do I begin?  I don’t know if i can accurately describe this depth of love.  wp-image-1244416427

Thanks To You

I am truly grateful to all of you who take the time to visit my blog. I thank you so very much for your likes and comments. My motivation to write comes from the slight chance that I may get a new reader; to share some insight with others struggling, so we know we’re not alone with our adult ADD.  Love to you all! Xoxo

Living Disabled, No Living Mis-labled

Day in and day out with a disorder takes it’s toll on a person. Always trying to conform-to-the-norm, is a fruitless effort.  I’d rather just be me, without the label, without the description of a person that I don’t want to be; Lazy, unmotivated, lack of discipline, stupid, crazy, too emotional, unstable, forgetful, uncaring. I’m sick of all the lables. I’m ashamed of the way I am. I cannot help my disorder, no one with ADHD actually wants it, we just learn to cope, and hope everyday that we’ll be able to overcome just one more time. We must keep the fascade of normalcy ever present especially if we could ever hope to function reasonably in this disfunctional world. 

We ADHDers need positive lables; creative, fun, energetic, problem-solver, multitasker, go-getter, enthusiastic,…  We need to feel accepted  and important to you. The wrong label put on someone who is silently suffering is devastating. ADHD is a disability, not an inability. 

Hello Readers, I’m Still Here 

…even though I’m inconsistent as hell, I still seem get something down in this blog every now and then. A few new developments have arose since the last time I wrote; first of all, I’m seeking a new diagnosis. I truly believe there is more to me than meets the eye. My ADHD is a constant struggle, but I have other issues I haven’t dealt with in a healthy manner. Secondly, my third eldest son (he just turned 17) had been diagnosed with ADHD. That makes 2 of my 6 sons, so far,  to be “just like mommy”. Much to their fathers’ dispair, I’m  sure. Lol

All in all,  things are peachy! 

Love to all… 

BPD And Me? 

I have been doing a lot of self evaluating lately resulting from another huge mistake made by me. Mistakes are common in the life of an ADDer, but the risky behaviors I display are not. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my diagnosis of ADHD is accurate, bit I truly believe there is something more.

Due to my traumatic childhood and my inability to communicate my feelings accurately, I think I may be struggling with BPD.  I will be seeking a professional dx next week.

Thanks for reading, God bless!