We make our choices, live with the consequences, and embrace the lessons learned. I, myself, being an adult with ADHD cannot comprehend the very phrase I just ‘coined’. On the intellectual level where I “cruise”, there are emotional issues we deal with, almost always ALONE and ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD, (…we scream the wrong words, hence, we sabotage our OWN plight for a ‘cure’, [in ways that we JUST CAN’T EXPLAIN]). Wait! WAit! WAIt! WAIT! “Plight for a ‘cure'”? A cure for what? Ummm,
Hell-the-fuck Oh? (👋🏻) We’re NOT sick, or ill, in any way, shape, or form! We are entered into this world hardwired for a civilization long-lost…. We are ‘hunters’ in a world where ‘gathering’ has taken over! It’s actually very sad, that people like me are dying emotional deaths on a daily basis. 😭 I’m about to get REAL, very, very real… I ALONE, meaning, I conjured up the preceding list of things I longed to do, or did, WITHOUT ANY HELP, (professional or other)…. You’re in for a ride…
1. Overcame 27 yrs of undiagnosed ADHD
2. Recognized my own differences in thought process at 7 y/o
3. Asked for a Drs appt at 10 y/o, to figure out my issues. –to no avail.
4. Survived a horrendously traumatic experience at 4 y/o
5. Had a miscarriage at 16 y/o
6. Survived several physically abusive relationships. My physical scars are proof of my unsuccessful attempts to find someone to loke me for ME!
7. Six sons, several fathers, a stack of paperwork on each of them that’s nearly three feet high!
8. Medicine IS my passion, NOT nursing…. Medicine. As in D.O. at the end of my name!!😊😊😁😁 Received the “official ” MCAT study guide and practice tests, as a gift from my “D” when I got accepted into the University of Michigan, in Flint’s, College of Arts and Sciences. I was to be majoring in Biology and minor in Poly-Sci (my other interest). My goal? Michigan State College of Osteopathic Medicine.🤓
9. Got bored one week before my first semester and enlisted in the United States Navy Reserve.
Ooh… This is getting looong. Please keep reading, it gets better…☺
Let’s pick up where we left off…
10. Was extremely sexually harassed by my recruiting officer, I mean, he didn’t whip out his actual penis, but the concrete mold of it, that was proudly waved in my face, was gross enough. Moments later, I was escorted into the office of Master Chief #$& (protecting innocent parties) where I was expected to maintain military-precise composure while I verbally gave my life, (and DNA), to the US Government.👨✈👩✈
11. Hooked-up w my Dr. (in his office, I was being “seen” for allergies).👨⚕
12. Spent over 1/3 of my life as an “entertainer”, of the dancing sort.💋
13. Overcame alcohol addiction by counseling MYSELF in front of my bedroom mirror. 🙎
14. Beat a drug addiction that, on average, has a 80% fail rate, without the help of intensive treatment and therapy.👍🏻
15. Acquired 3 medical certifications, all of which, were ‘un-fulfilling’ to me.
a) CNA, b) MA (CMA/RMA), c)Phleb.
…blah, blah, blah😔
16. Buried both my parents.😭
17. 3 marriages❤💔❤💔❤ 😕😕Seriously, this is definitely tiring…I’m drained.
So, now you know. I always say, “Love me or leave me”. I can’t change who I am, a HUNTER in a society so catered to satisfying every whim of the GATHERER, that MY thought process appears strange. My brain is wired to comprehend, execute, and sustain ancient civilizations. I was born to make fantastic breakthroughs! ALL of the GREAT things humans are… is because of the people who were blessed enough to be born ADHD. We are the creators of the world we live in, though we take no responsibility for the demise of modern civilization.
It is so nice to be able to focus on what I choose to, not what my mind wants to. My mind would like to be all over the place, but not today. Today I took the medicine that makes the ADD go away. Literally, for the next few hours, I get to be as ‘normal’ as any non-ADDer. That is the only reason I can write right now.
It is also so nice to actually engage in conversation with my husband. He can yap and yap and yap, and I will catch every word. Usually, I cannot focus long enough to chat, let alone, listen to my husbands looooong stories. Today is a good day for me. Enjoy yours!
This is a response, to a reply on a Reddit post about ADHD, that I wrote…
Bless your heart, you have struggled long enough. I hear you, loud and clear, when you say that you are broke financially and emotionally. I completely understand about all the “what if’s”. I’m no different than you. At this very moment, I believe my bank account holds $1.76!! I am struggling to pay for real estate classes that start next week, and I have NO CLUE where the money is going to come from! I have such BIG HOPES AND DREAMS, am I going to GIVE UP, yet AGAIN, just because I can’t come up with 300 bucks???
… HELL NO!
NOT THIS TIME!!
But, in all actuality, it’s not about the money. It’s about the mindset. If you lack determination and drive, you will struggle. Most people, like us, just don’t have the drive. I sure didn’t! And I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got it now, but I am NOT giving myself the option of giving up.
A couple of weeks ago, I did some serious soul searching. (I do this on a daily basis, lol, don’t we all!?) The conversation in my head began the same as it always does…” I suck, my life is going NOWHERE, I’m broke, something has to change, I can’t go on, this time will be different,…” I almost couldn’t even continue the conversation…… It was the SAME thing I’d been telling myself for years and I hadn’t listened to myself before, why should I now????
Here is where it gets real. Instead of talking to myself, I decided to take a good look at myself. I briefly glanced at my unproductive past, filled with dissapointments, failures, and damaged relationships. I, then, tried to focus on my future…..What future??? I could only see MORE failures ahead. I started thinking about the PEOPLE in my life that I had let down. My children, who at this time, had/have NO real role model in their lives to emulate. How on earth can I expect a positive, healthy, successful future for them, when I’m not living a successful life?? No wonder my family has alienated me!! Eventually, everyone, even my precious children, will have no use for me! What the hell do I have to offer anyone? I am of absolutely no use to anyone, I am seroiusly just taking up space. I AM, IN FACT, A FAILURE! I frantically began searching for a way out of this mess of a life I’d made and quickly realized there wasn’t one!! I WAS, for the first time, TERRIFIED!
Only my death will fix this, so I seriously contemplated suicide. I believed that if I wasn’t around, my precious children would be forced to live with people that would, hopefully, push them to be the BEST they can be!! I want that for them, they deserve that!
My mind was made up, I’m going to kill myself. But, I didn’t feel good about this decision. I knew I needed to die, I just didn’t want my kids to cry for me. 😥😟😭😭😭
And, in that moment, in some crazy twist-of-fate, something inside me snapped!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THEM! I WON’T LEAVE THEM!
What the fuck am I thinking?? ADHD strikes again…telling me to give up, cant do this, failure! OH, NO ADHD! NOT TODAY!!
I changed my whole pattern of thinking. My whole pattern of thinking HAD TO CHANGE!!! I realized that the things i was doing in my life, up to this point, WERE NOT WORKING!!! So, I began doing the OPPOSITE of everything!! …
Aaaaand, guess what???
After my dx, I pretty much became an alcoholic! I was so relieved to finally know that I had a disorder, and that I wasn’t just a complete failure at life!! But I quickly spiralled into a depression bc I realized that my ADHD was never gonna go away, that I was never gonna be a productive part of society! That I was forever gonna be just a walking collection of symptoms!! That I was never gonna get that Bachelors degree, never gonna have a real career, never gonna get a fair shot at success bc I am NOT and NEVER gonna be “normal”!
Life is better now though! I embrace my ADHD dx. I have accepted the fact that I am a hunter in a gatherers world. Learned to love myself, just as I am.❤. After all, what other choice do we have??
The one thing I can say that I truly hate about my ADD is my total inability to be consistent. I start off like a firecracker then fizzle out just as fast. With everything! I can’t stand it! I’ll be so productive for a few days or so then, PFFFTTT! I’m done, not interested anymore, on to something else. The one thing that I really am trying to be is consistent with this blog and my writing. Tough stuff. Especially when you really just don’t have it in you to write. Usually, though, if I start typing, I’ll get on a roll, and before I know it, I’ve cranked out a post. Kinda like this one. Thank you for putting up with my mundane babblings, readers, cause you never know when a stroke of brilliance will emerge. Um, not today. God Bless & Much Love