Impending Doom: What Anxiety Feels Like To Me

It starts with a thought, a small worry, a slight gesture or change in mood or emotion.  It all begins innocently enough.  Then, the small fluttering in my stomach starts to happen.  The slight shakiness starts way down deep in my core, then radiates out to the tips of my fingers.  As the grave thoughts and feelings get more unavoidable, the fluttering in my stomach turns into a feeling of strong vibration.  Unlike nausea, this feeling is unwavering.  The shaking is getting worse and the sweating begins.  My pupils are now dilated as I am completely, physically, terrified.  The emotions  that accompany these intense physical symptoms are terrifying in themselves.  Every irrational fear is amplified as thoughts of dying are now consuming me.  I must be dying, I feel so out-of-control, detached, alone, AFRAID!  If I’m not dying, I must, because these feelings are now too much to bear!  I have ENORMOUS amounts of empathy for anyone who suffers from anxiety attacks.  They are HELL.

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Writing Woes

I’ve been absent from here for a bit because I’m in a writing rut again.  I was very excited about my last post, but since then, I’m having writers block again.  So, I just thought I’d start typing and just see what comes out.  I have been really struggling with anxiety lately.  It is horrible, it reminds me of that quote that says, “depression is when you care about nothing, anxiety is where you care too much about everything, and having both is hell”.  I feel as if I am writing in a diary for everyone too see, maybe that is why it is hard for me to get my feelings out effectively.  Or maybe its because I’m misunderstood so often that I’ve decided to clam up.  Regardless, I know that it is better for me to talk and write about my feelings than to keep them bottled up. This blog should be my therapy. I should just start pouring my heart out.  If I only knew where to start…

Irrational Fears

Irrational fears cause anxiety hell for me! My greatest fear, I’m even afraid to mention… What if I speak it into existence? What if it truly kills me? The anxiety this causes is almost unbearable some days. Thank God for benzodiazepines! And we’ll just leave that right there; moving on,
I get scared if I’m too forgetful during the day! What if I  have early-onset dementia?! I get scared if my children are out of my sight for even a second! What if they’ve been kidnapped?! I freak out if I  find too much hair on my comb! What if I have alopecia?! I could go on and on…
And having ADHD makes it worse because my mind is always racing in different directions already, so I suffer several fears. Irrationally.
And the physical symptoms of fear driven anxiety are nothing short of terrifying. You literally feel as though you’re dying or going crazy or both. I have a big heart for ADHDers who suffer with this. I know what it’s like! I was once hospitalized for an anxiety attack. Not fun at all!!
You are not alone…