2018 is almost over. Literally, three more days, or chances, to end the year on a positive note. Needless to say, this year has been emotionally straining on me. Its not that I was so busy, its not that I didn’t have time, its not that I had a better offer… It’s simply because I didn’t have purpose.
Purpose gives us something to look forward to. Purpose gives us a reason to get out of bed. Purpose gives life meaning. Just as 2+2=4, purpose+effort=REASON. Reason to get out bed each morning. Reason to put in the effort. Reason to LIVE! We all NEED and LONG for a purpose in life. Without purpose, effort is needless. Without purpose, getting out of bed takes great effort. Without purpose, life doesn’t have much meaning.
For almost a decade, my purpose in life was unclear. I have struggled and searched, tirelessly, for a reason to exist. Sure, I have children, and they give me plenty of reasons to roll out of bed each day, but…..I want MORE! I long for something, anything, to give me a real sense of fulfillment. I know that I need to set a good, no, great, example for my sons. They need to learn self-respect, honesty, and a good work ethic. Who but me, is responsible for teaching them this? …Exactly!
It all started with a trip to Kohl’s for some early Christmas shopping. While in the store, I saw several “now hiring” signs. Hmmmmm…. After a couple of online applications, and one unsuccessful interview under my belt, I was slightly discouraged. Giving up was not an option, I pressed on with a few more job applications. Early one morning, during the first week in December, I got the call that would open doors for me that I never even knew were there. The call I received that day, brought me to tears. I was hired, on the spot, by a highly recognized department store! At that moment, I realized that I had a choice to make; I either grab this opportunity by the horns and “go for it” or, I cower in fear, like I usually do, and let this position pass me by. Not today Satan, NOT this time!!!
I eagerly accepted the position and excitedly began my training the very next day! I haven’t looked back since. A divine intervention is propelling me forward, who am I to change direction? I’m feeling completely purposeful and happy. Mornings have a whole new meaning. I have many, many reasons now for getting out of bed. I’m setting a wonderful example for my sons and my life has become worth living. I understand the value of a hard days work and I pride myself on doing my very best at work and at home.
Thank you, Kohl’s, for NOT hiring me. I have found my career elsewhere; I hope Macy’s thanks you as well.
It is so nice to be able to focus on what I choose to, not what my mind wants to. My mind would like to be all over the place, but not today. Today I took the medicine that makes the ADD go away. Literally, for the next few hours, I get to be as ‘normal’ as any non-ADDer. That is the only reason I can write right now.
It is also so nice to actually engage in conversation with my husband. He can yap and yap and yap, and I will catch every word. Usually, I cannot focus long enough to chat, let alone, listen to my husbands looooong stories. Today is a good day for me. Enjoy yours!
This is a response, to a reply on a Reddit post about ADHD, that I wrote…
Bless your heart, you have struggled long enough. I hear you, loud and clear, when you say that you are broke financially and emotionally. I completely understand about all the “what if’s”. I’m no different than you. At this very moment, I believe my bank account holds $1.76!! I am struggling to pay for real estate classes that start next week, and I have NO CLUE where the money is going to come from! I have such BIG HOPES AND DREAMS, am I going to GIVE UP, yet AGAIN, just because I can’t come up with 300 bucks???
… HELL NO!
NOT THIS TIME!!
But, in all actuality, it’s not about the money. It’s about the mindset. If you lack determination and drive, you will struggle. Most people, like us, just don’t have the drive. I sure didn’t! And I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got it now, but I am NOT giving myself the option of giving up.
A couple of weeks ago, I did some serious soul searching. (I do this on a daily basis, lol, don’t we all!?) The conversation in my head began the same as it always does…” I suck, my life is going NOWHERE, I’m broke, something has to change, I can’t go on, this time will be different,…” I almost couldn’t even continue the conversation…… It was the SAME thing I’d been telling myself for years and I hadn’t listened to myself before, why should I now????
Here is where it gets real. Instead of talking to myself, I decided to take a good look at myself. I briefly glanced at my unproductive past, filled with dissapointments, failures, and damaged relationships. I, then, tried to focus on my future…..What future??? I could only see MORE failures ahead. I started thinking about the PEOPLE in my life that I had let down. My children, who at this time, had/have NO real role model in their lives to emulate. How on earth can I expect a positive, healthy, successful future for them, when I’m not living a successful life?? No wonder my family has alienated me!! Eventually, everyone, even my precious children, will have no use for me! What the hell do I have to offer anyone? I am of absolutely no use to anyone, I am seroiusly just taking up space. I AM, IN FACT, A FAILURE! I frantically began searching for a way out of this mess of a life I’d made and quickly realized there wasn’t one!! I WAS, for the first time, TERRIFIED!
Only my death will fix this, so I seriously contemplated suicide. I believed that if I wasn’t around, my precious children would be forced to live with people that would, hopefully, push them to be the BEST they can be!! I want that for them, they deserve that!
My mind was made up, I’m going to kill myself. But, I didn’t feel good about this decision. I knew I needed to die, I just didn’t want my kids to cry for me. 😥😟😭😭😭
And, in that moment, in some crazy twist-of-fate, something inside me snapped!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THEM! I WON’T LEAVE THEM!
What the fuck am I thinking?? ADHD strikes again…telling me to give up, cant do this, failure! OH, NO ADHD! NOT TODAY!!
I changed my whole pattern of thinking. My whole pattern of thinking HAD TO CHANGE!!! I realized that the things i was doing in my life, up to this point, WERE NOT WORKING!!! So, I began doing the OPPOSITE of everything!! …
Aaaaand, guess what???
After my dx, I pretty much became an alcoholic! I was so relieved to finally know that I had a disorder, and that I wasn’t just a complete failure at life!! But I quickly spiralled into a depression bc I realized that my ADHD was never gonna go away, that I was never gonna be a productive part of society! That I was forever gonna be just a walking collection of symptoms!! That I was never gonna get that Bachelors degree, never gonna have a real career, never gonna get a fair shot at success bc I am NOT and NEVER gonna be “normal”!
Life is better now though! I embrace my ADHD dx. I have accepted the fact that I am a hunter in a gatherers world. Learned to love myself, just as I am.❤. After all, what other choice do we have??
If you go to a psychiatrist with true ADHD symptoms, a diagnosis should come within minutes. It should only take a professional mere moments to distinguish ADHD behaviors from those just being lazy or drug seeking. I’ve heard, in some places, it takes MONTHS for a diagnosis! WHAT!!! MONTHS!!! That’s crazy! What the hell kind of ADHD assessment takes months? If you are struggling and awaiting a diagnosis, I am truly sorry for your situation. I was diagnosed in minutes and on meds the SAME DAY!! truly life changing.
The one thing I can say that I truly hate about my ADD is my total inability to be consistent. I start off like a firecracker then fizzle out just as fast. With everything! I can’t stand it! I’ll be so productive for a few days or so then, PFFFTTT! I’m done, not interested anymore, on to something else. The one thing that I really am trying to be is consistent with this blog and my writing. Tough stuff. Especially when you really just don’t have it in you to write. Usually, though, if I start typing, I’ll get on a roll, and before I know it, I’ve cranked out a post. Kinda like this one. Thank you for putting up with my mundane babblings, readers, cause you never know when a stroke of brilliance will emerge. Um, not today. God Bless & Much Love
Lack of focus and inattentiveness are all concomitant of ADHD.
Hey Readers! I’m back! I’m sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. A lot has happened in my little world since my last post. And a lot is going on currently. I’ve finally maxed out on my dose of ADHD medicine, and it still isn’t lasting long enough. Time to move on to something different. And with everything going on, I really could use more focus!
I’ve been very pleased to see that my adult ADD (ADHD) Facebook page is growing at a steady rate. It’s getting the word out there about mental illness and adult ADHD, in particular. You can visit my page by clicking the link… MyAdultADDPage
Those of us with these ‘invisible’ issues tend to be the most isolated. We think that we are all alone and no one understands what we’re going through. Just because we don’t look sick, we’re treated as such. That’s just not fair. “It’s all in your head”, they say. “Why can’t you just snap out of it”, they ask. “Get your shit together”, they scold. That’s like demanding that a paraplegic get up from his wheelchair and miraculously walk! It’s just NOT gonna happen. Mental illness is a combination of biological and psychological factors. Chemical imbalances and non-existent neuro pathways cause chaos in the brain. Chaos that some folks live with on a day to day basis because they go undiagnosed. Diagnosis is key. Awareness is everything. Medication and therapy can help.
Sorry, for a moment there I thought I was writing on my page. lol Forgot where I was. See, right there, perfect example… ADHD at it’s finest, forgot where I was on the internet! I’m done. lol
I wish I could just sit down and let creative ideas flow like some writers can. I seem to have a whole path of stumbling blocks carved out right in front of me. I want to write, sometimes I just can’t find the words. Having ADHD means that all the ideas flying around my head have no concrete topic. A little bit of this and a little bit of that; all comes across as mumbo-jumbo. Guess I need to go back to basics; brainstorming, outlining, and whatever other steps that are involved to be an effective writer.
Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to write, maybe if I’m meant to be a writer then the words will start flowing. Maybe by the end of this post, some sheer brilliance will have come from my keyboard. Just one stroke of genius and I could write a novel. Regareless, I started this blog to bring awareness to the ups and downs of ADHD, and here’s one of the downs. We cannot always put our feelings into words, at least not words that a neurotypical would understand. And trying to write down the words isn’t always easy either. I have to get into a ‘flow’ before I can effectively write. And right now that ‘flow’ has flown the coop.
This has got to be one of my most disorganized posts thus far… Lemme get my shit together and try this again later. FOCUS!