Hi! My name is Kari Taber. This is the first blog I’ve ever written. My life has been such that I’ve heard ‘you should write a book’ more times than I can count. Hmmmm…. A book, no; a blog, yes! So, here they are , my issues, all typed up and ready for you […]
This is a response, to a reply on a Reddit post about ADHD, that I wrote…
Bless your heart, you have struggled long enough. I hear you, loud and clear, when you say that you are broke financially and emotionally. I completely understand about all the “what if’s”. I’m no different than you. At this very moment, I believe my bank account holds $1.76!! I am struggling to pay for real estate classes that start next week, and I have NO CLUE where the money is going to come from! I have such BIG HOPES AND DREAMS, am I going to GIVE UP, yet AGAIN, just because I can’t come up with 300 bucks???
… HELL NO!
NOT THIS TIME!!
But, in all actuality, it’s not about the money. It’s about the mindset. If you lack determination and drive, you will struggle. Most people, like us, just don’t have the drive. I sure didn’t! And I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got it now, but I am NOT giving myself the option of giving up.
A couple of weeks ago, I did some serious soul searching. (I do this on a daily basis, lol, don’t we all!?) The conversation in my head began the same as it always does…” I suck, my life is going NOWHERE, I’m broke, something has to change, I can’t go on, this time will be different,…” I almost couldn’t even continue the conversation…… It was the SAME thing I’d been telling myself for years and I hadn’t listened to myself before, why should I now????
Here is where it gets real. Instead of talking to myself, I decided to take a good look at myself. I briefly glanced at my unproductive past, filled with dissapointments, failures, and damaged relationships. I, then, tried to focus on my future…..What future??? I could only see MORE failures ahead. I started thinking about the PEOPLE in my life that I had let down. My children, who at this time, had/have NO real role model in their lives to emulate. How on earth can I expect a positive, healthy, successful future for them, when I’m not living a successful life?? No wonder my family has alienated me!! Eventually, everyone, even my precious children, will have no use for me! What the hell do I have to offer anyone? I am of absolutely no use to anyone, I am seroiusly just taking up space. I AM, IN FACT, A FAILURE! I frantically began searching for a way out of this mess of a life I’d made and quickly realized there wasn’t one!! I WAS, for the first time, TERRIFIED!
Only my death will fix this, so I seriously contemplated suicide. I believed that if I wasn’t around, my precious children would be forced to live with people that would, hopefully, push them to be the BEST they can be!! I want that for them, they deserve that!
My mind was made up, I’m going to kill myself. But, I didn’t feel good about this decision. I knew I needed to die, I just didn’t want my kids to cry for me. 😥😟😭😭😭
And, in that moment, in some crazy twist-of-fate, something inside me snapped!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THEM! I WON’T LEAVE THEM!
What the fuck am I thinking?? ADHD strikes again…telling me to give up, cant do this, failure! OH, NO ADHD! NOT TODAY!!
I changed my whole pattern of thinking. My whole pattern of thinking HAD TO CHANGE!!! I realized that the things i was doing in my life, up to this point, WERE NOT WORKING!!! So, I began doing the OPPOSITE of everything!! …
Aaaaand, guess what???
If you go to a psychiatrist with true ADHD symptoms, a diagnosis should come within minutes. It should only take a professional mere moments to distinguish ADHD behaviors from those just being lazy or drug seeking. I’ve heard, in some places, it takes MONTHS for a diagnosis! WHAT!!! MONTHS!!! That’s crazy! What the hell kind of ADHD assessment takes months? If you are struggling and awaiting a diagnosis, I am truly sorry for your situation. I was diagnosed in minutes and on meds the SAME DAY!! truly life changing.
I wish I could just sit down and let creative ideas flow like some writers can. I seem to have a whole path of stumbling blocks carved out right in front of me. I want to write, sometimes I just can’t find the words. Having ADHD means that all the ideas flying around my head have no concrete topic. A little bit of this and a little bit of that; all comes across as mumbo-jumbo. Guess I need to go back to basics; brainstorming, outlining, and whatever other steps that are involved to be an effective writer.
Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to write, maybe if I’m meant to be a writer then the words will start flowing. Maybe by the end of this post, some sheer brilliance will have come from my keyboard. Just one stroke of genius and I could write a novel. Regareless, I started this blog to bring awareness to the ups and downs of ADHD, and here’s one of the downs. We cannot always put our feelings into words, at least not words that a neurotypical would understand. And trying to write down the words isn’t always easy either. I have to get into a ‘flow’ before I can effectively write. And right now that ‘flow’ has flown the coop.
This has got to be one of my most disorganized posts thus far… Lemme get my shit together and try this again later. FOCUS!
I haven’t written for a while. I’ve actually had a lot going on in my life to blog about, I just haven’t had the motivation. And what is my motivation now, you wonder… I wonder too. Is it my ever-present need for validation of my feelings, or is it just my need to connect with others out there, like me, who have ADHD and feel like they are THE ONLY ONE.. The Only One to have feelings of emptiness that nothing can fill, the need to escape reality by any means necessary because that’s what you were taught. The Only One who feels that they are totally unworthy of the love that those around them give. The Only One who feels that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all; or that ,once again, reality is just too painful too bear. The Only One who decides what is right and what is wrong in their life. The Only One who is left in the dark much of the time; The Only One who thinks everything is okay amidst a world of chaos. And The Only One who feels these feelings is me; because here, in my world, I AM THE ONLY ONE.
If you’re in a crappy mood, keep it to yourself. Don’t be the dark cloud over everyones sunshine! Attempt to shed some of your bad attitude by feeling the warmth of someone close. Quit pushing them away or away they’ll stay. Be nice even if you don’t feel like it, kindness is contagious. And always remember the golden rule! Treat people with kindness and warmth. Respect is earned, be fair. And, above all, never judge anyone, your opinion is not their fate!
…in the way that out of seven people in my house, four of us have ADHD. That means 4 times the fun and unfocused chaos. We really are a fun group of folks when you get two or more of us together. The goofy jokes, that only “we” understand, the giggle fests and, unfortunately, the tears, too sometimes. You see, we can relate to each other like no one else can; kind of like an unspoken understanding. I call it some kind of “radar” that I have, I can usually pick out another ADDer just by talking to them for a few minutes. I’m drawn to these people, as I hope they are drawn to me. I believe from this understanding that we can be of emotional help to each other, support of some sort.
…even though I’m inconsistent as hell, I still seem get something down in this blog every now and then. A few new developments have arose since the last time I wrote; first of all, I’m seeking a new diagnosis. I truly believe there is more to me than meets the eye. My ADHD is a constant struggle, but I have other issues I haven’t dealt with in a healthy manner. Secondly, my third eldest son (he just turned 17) had been diagnosed with ADHD. That makes 2 of my 6 sons, so far, to be “just like mommy”. Much to their fathers’ dispair, I’m sure. Lol
All in all, things are peachy!
Love to all…
I have been doing a lot of self evaluating lately resulting from another huge mistake made by me. Mistakes are common in the life of an ADDer, but the risky behaviors I display are not. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my diagnosis of ADHD is accurate, bit I truly believe there is something more.
Due to my traumatic childhood and my inability to communicate my feelings accurately, I think I may be struggling with BPD. I will be seeking a professional dx next week.
Thanks for reading, God bless!
I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with this blog. I’m sorry, yet, again, for my long absence. But my inconsistent ways have, once again, gotten the best if me. I really do think about writing and that’s as far as it goes.
But what I really want to thank everyone who has taken the time to visit my blog! Thank you very much!