Depressing Diagnosis

After my dx, I pretty much became an alcoholic! I was so relieved to finally know that I had a disorder, and that I wasn’t just a complete failure at life!! But I quickly spiralled into a depression bc I realized that my ADHD was never gonna go away, that I was never gonna be a productive part of society! That I was forever gonna be just a walking collection of symptoms!! That I was never gonna get that Bachelors degree, never gonna have a real career, never gonna get a fair shot at success bc I am NOT and NEVER gonna be “normal”!
Life is better now though! I embrace my ADHD dx. I have accepted the fact that I am a hunter in a gatherers world. Learned to love myself, just as I am.❤. After all, what other choice do we have??

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My Add Impulsiveness

As I sit here desperately trying to get something written down, I am thinking about my ADD and how it has impacted my life.  I feel like I’ve accomplished a whole lot of nothing.  Before I go on though, I do want to say that my 6 sons have been my biggest and BEST accomplishment!

I know cause I’ve read it and because I live it, that one of the most dangerous things is a bored ADDer with uncontrollable vectors, pulling in all sorts of unhealthy directions.  I was diagnosed at 27 years old and by then I had made quite the mess of my life, now at 42 and medicated, I’m still cleaning up my “messes”;  and, if you can believe it, making more.  I’ve come to realize that my life, along with every other woman with ADD, is a work in progress.  We have to make mistakes to learn from them, but damn, why does everything feel like some sort of lesson that I’m doomed never to learn.  Let’s see; I have 6 boys, (kept trying for a girl), I’m on my 3rd husband, I’ve never held a real job for more than a few weeks, I quit high school 2 weeks before graduation.  And… I joined the Navy Reserves for a short time, I ran for a political position in my township…and won!  I worked on and off for several years in a loud, flashy-light nightclub;  I’ve attempted college more times than I can count, I have 3 medical certifications because I kept changing my mind about what I wanted to do.  I’ve been an addict, an alcoholic BUT also a survivor. If my life doesen’t scream ADHD, I don’t know what would.

Whew! Most of my secrets in one paragraph. All, in all, an ADDer is who I am, and most of the time I do not like myself.  But I am working on that.  Forgiving myself for all of my bad choices is a constant vigil. I bear scars from self-loathing.  Thank you for reading.

Addiction

From the age of 5 I’ve known what dope was. I knew the smell, how it makes people act, how it makes people feel, how it made you feel, I wished for a different you, everyday. A do over, a do over on being conceived, and do over on being born here, you could’ve created someone else but you created me, tortured me with your selfishness, arrogance, ignorance, verbal abuse and self hate. I hate you, and what you did to 3 perfect souls. As hard as this is to say, I love you, you created 3 beautiful souls who will become everything you weren’t. Thank you for teaching me at age 5 not to become an addict. –Unknown

I don’t know who wrote this but, when I ran across it, it really hit home. You see,  I grew up with a pill addicted mom, and thank God, I forgave her for her “raw humanness” before she passed. Though, I still pray for the little girl inside me that was so often devastated by her mommy’s behavior.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your day!