I’m Just Not A Writer

I wish I could just sit down and let creative ideas flow like some writers can.  I seem to have a whole path of stumbling blocks carved out right in front of me.  I want to write, sometimes I just can’t find the words. Having ADHD means that all the ideas flying around my head have no concrete topic.  A little bit of this and a little bit of that; all comes across as mumbo-jumbo.  Guess I need to go back to basics;  brainstorming, outlining, and whatever other steps that are involved to be an effective writer.

Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to write, maybe if I’m meant to be a writer then the words will start flowing.  Maybe by the end of this post, some sheer brilliance will have come from my keyboard.  Just one stroke of genius and I could write a novel.  Regareless, I started this blog to bring awareness to the ups and downs of ADHD, and here’s one of the downs.  We cannot always put our feelings into words, at least not words that a neurotypical would understand.  And trying to write down the words isn’t always easy either.  I have to get into a ‘flow’ before I can effectively write.  And right now that ‘flow’ has flown the coop.

This has got to be one of my most disorganized posts thus far…  Lemme get my shit together and try this again later.  FOCUS!

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The Only One

I haven’t written for a while. I’ve actually had a lot going on in my life to blog about, I just haven’t had the motivation.  And what is my motivation now, you wonder… I wonder too. Is it my ever-present need for validation of my feelings, or is it just my need to connect with others out there, like me, who have ADHD and feel like they are THE ONLY ONE..  The Only One to have feelings of emptiness that nothing can fill, the need to escape reality by any means necessary because that’s what you were taught.  The Only One who feels that they are totally unworthy of the love that those around them give.  The Only One who feels that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all; or that ,once again, reality is just too painful too bear.  The Only One who decides what is right and what is wrong in their life.  The Only One who is left in the dark much of the time; The Only One who thinks everything is okay amidst a world of chaos.  And The Only One who feels these feelings is me; because here, in my world, I AM THE ONLY ONE.

Thanks To You

I am truly grateful to all of you who take the time to visit my blog. I thank you so very much for your likes and comments. My motivation to write comes from the slight chance that I may get a new reader; to share some insight with others struggling, so we know we’re not alone with our adult ADD.  Love to you all! Xoxo

Living Disabled, No Living Mis-labled

Day in and day out with a disorder takes it’s toll on a person. Always trying to conform-to-the-norm, is a fruitless effort.  I’d rather just be me, without the label, without the description of a person that I don’t want to be; Lazy, unmotivated, lack of discipline, stupid, crazy, too emotional, unstable, forgetful, uncaring. I’m sick of all the lables. I’m ashamed of the way I am. I cannot help my disorder, no one with ADHD actually wants it, we just learn to cope, and hope everyday that we’ll be able to overcome just one more time. We must keep the fascade of normalcy ever present especially if we could ever hope to function reasonably in this disfunctional world. 

We ADHDers need positive lables; creative, fun, energetic, problem-solver, multitasker, go-getter, enthusiastic,…  We need to feel accepted  and important to you. The wrong label put on someone who is silently suffering is devastating. ADHD is a disability, not an inability. 

Impending Doom: What Anxiety Feels Like To Me

It starts with a thought, a small worry, a slight gesture or change in mood or emotion.  It all begins innocently enough.  Then, the small fluttering in my stomach starts to happen.  The slight shakiness starts way down deep in my core, then radiates out to the tips of my fingers.  As the grave thoughts and feelings get more unavoidable, the fluttering in my stomach turns into a feeling of strong vibration.  Unlike nausea, this feeling is unwavering.  The shaking is getting worse and the sweating begins.  My pupils are now dilated as I am completely, physically, terrified.  The emotions  that accompany these intense physical symptoms are terrifying in themselves.  Every irrational fear is amplified as thoughts of dying are now consuming me.  I must be dying, I feel so out-of-control, detached, alone, AFRAID!  If I’m not dying, I must, because these feelings are now too much to bear!  I have ENORMOUS amounts of empathy for anyone who suffers from anxiety attacks.  They are HELL.

A Very Early Morning

Hello Readers!  I haven’t written in a long time so I thought I would pop in and update you on my exceedingly boring life. LOL  It seems these days something seems so be going on with all of my kids. First of all, my oldest son is getting married this year in November.  We are so excited!!!  The only downfall is the distance; we’re about 1600 miles apart.  Thank God for Skype!  Then, my other son is having an issue getting motivated in the morning.  But, being ADD like me, I can kind of understand his issue, he doesn’t sleep well, therefore, he doesn’t get up well.  Now, my three youngest sons birthdays are all within weeks of each other, Jan. 16, Jan. 29, and Feb. 4th! Right after Christmas, no less. Well, I suppose that’s kind of my fault.  So, I actually do have a lot going on and it is good for me, these kind of things stimulate my ADHD brain.

Love

Sometimes the obvious isn’t so easy to accept.  The fact that I am a walking disorder is a tough pill to swallow.  But, as the years have passed, I’ve learned to embrace my ADHD.  And all the fun little irritating perks that come along with it.  I guess I just wanted to say, love yourself!  Love all of your shortcomings and, especially,  love all of your gifts and talents.  You are unique, but also part of a glorious tribe of tender souls.  We are so special!  We are so loved!wp-image-381417064

My Reality

I don’t even have the attention span to keep this blog going! LOL   Since I have so much trouble writing in this blog consistantly, I’m letting my son stand in for a featured post.

 

Salutations! My name is Chaisten and I’m kid #3 (but really I’m #1 because let’s be real). Anyway, I’m 17 years old and I just recently moved back in with my Mother. Moving back in with my Mom has shown me a lot about my own ADHD. I was just recently diagnosed because it hasn’t really been a problem for me until my recent years. When I was younger I was very high functioning and because of my intelligence I made up for my focus issues in my ability to understand and comprehend. Now being in highschool, it takes longer to be able to understand the topics and I can’t focus for long enough to do it.

Something I’ve learned that I don’t think too many people understand is how severely ADHD can affect people. “Well it’s just a focus issue it doesn’t really do too much.” Well actually it does. Not having an ability to keep focus on something spans deeper than just not focusing on a project or a conversation. It can affect serious things like your mental sanity and decision making. Making important life decisions can be devastating with severe ADHD because you can’t focus on any decision enough to fully comprehend it. It goes back to understanding concepts and ideas. To truly take in something, I feel, takes some time. With ADHD your time you have to focus is ridiculously divided so it takes ten times longer. With your focus jumping to every object in a visual radius there’s nothing you can do but go with it. You are forced to take breaks and come back, your focus won’t have it any other way. It’s kind of like your focus is out to get you. People could tell you to get back to it and remind you all they want but if your focus isn’t there you really can’t chase it down.

Relaxation. Time everyone needs at least a little bit of. Just some time to yourself so you can clear your mind and focus on your thoughts. Oh wait, we have ADHD. Finding the time to align your focus and your conscience thought process enough to actually enjoy the serenity is close to impossible. It’s part of the battle between what you want to focus on and what you are able to focus on. The relationship between your conscience thought and your focus is like a spectrum. 0 – 100. 100 being optimum level. Reaching 100 is when your focus is fully agreeing and working with your conscience thought. Hitting 0 is when you can’t focus at all. Either it’s too busy bouncing around to settle somewhere or you just can’t find it, your focus is just shit. I’d say, but I’m no doctor or anything so don’t quote me, most people stay around 85-100. With ADHD the whole spectrum is visible and we are constantly bouncing around it.

So those were both just little focus blots I thought of. I hope this helps someone understand just a little bit more about the realness of ADHD. Let me know if you liked this blog maybe I’ll write some things of my own?

Sincerely,

Chaisten

 

 

Kindness Matters

If you’re in a crappy mood, keep it to yourself. Don’t be the dark cloud  over everyones sunshine!  Attempt to shed some of your bad attitude by feeling the warmth of someone close. Quit pushing them away or away they’ll stay.  Be nice even if you don’t feel like it, kindness is contagious.   And always remember the golden rule! Treat people with kindness and warmth. Respect is earned, be fair. And, above all, never judge anyone, your opinion is not their fate!