We make our choices, live with the consequences, and embrace the lessons learned. I, myself, being an adult with ADHD cannot comprehend the very phrase I just ‘coined’. On the intellectual level where I “cruise”, there are emotional issues we deal with, almost always ALONE and ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD, (…we scream the wrong words, hence, we sabotage our OWN plight for a ‘cure’, [in ways that we JUST CAN’T EXPLAIN]). Wait! WAit! WAIt! WAIT! “Plight for a ‘cure'”? A cure for what? Ummm,
Hell-the-fuck Oh? (👋🏻) We’re NOT sick, or ill, in any way, shape, or form! We are entered into this world hardwired for a civilization long-lost…. We are ‘hunters’ in a world where ‘gathering’ has taken over! It’s actually very sad, that people like me are dying emotional deaths on a daily basis. 😭 I’m about to get REAL, very, very real… I ALONE, meaning, I conjured up the preceding list of things I longed to do, or did, WITHOUT ANY HELP, (professional or other)…. You’re in for a ride…
1. Overcame 27 yrs of undiagnosed ADHD
2. Recognized my own differences in thought process at 7 y/o
3. Asked for a Drs appt at 10 y/o, to figure out my issues. –to no avail.
4. Survived a horrendously traumatic experience at 4 y/o
5. Had a miscarriage at 16 y/o
6. Survived several physically abusive relationships. My physical scars are proof of my unsuccessful attempts to find someone to loke me for ME!
7. Six sons, several fathers, a stack of paperwork on each of them that’s nearly three feet high!
8. Medicine IS my passion, NOT nursing…. Medicine. As in D.O. at the end of my name!!😊😊😁😁 Received the “official ” MCAT study guide and practice tests, as a gift from my “D” when I got accepted into the University of Michigan, in Flint’s, College of Arts and Sciences. I was to be majoring in Biology and minor in Poly-Sci (my other interest). My goal? Michigan State College of Osteopathic Medicine.🤓
9. Got bored one week before my first semester and enlisted in the United States Navy Reserve.
Ooh… This is getting looong. Please keep reading, it gets better…☺
Let’s pick up where we left off…
10. Was extremely sexually harassed by my recruiting officer, I mean, he didn’t whip out his actual penis, but the concrete mold of it, that was proudly waved in my face, was gross enough. Moments later, I was escorted into the office of Master Chief #$& (protecting innocent parties) where I was expected to maintain military-precise composure while I verbally gave my life, (and DNA), to the US Government.👨✈👩✈
11. Hooked-up w my Dr. (in his office, I was being “seen” for allergies).👨⚕
12. Spent over 1/3 of my life as an “entertainer”, of the dancing sort.💋
13. Overcame alcohol addiction by counseling MYSELF in front of my bedroom mirror. 🙎
14. Beat a drug addiction that, on average, has a 80% fail rate, without the help of intensive treatment and therapy.👍🏻
15. Acquired 3 medical certifications, all of which, were ‘un-fulfilling’ to me.
a) CNA, b) MA (CMA/RMA), c)Phleb.
…blah, blah, blah😔
16. Buried both my parents.😭
17. 3 marriages❤💔❤💔❤ 😕😕Seriously, this is definitely tiring…I’m drained.
So, now you know. I always say, “Love me or leave me”. I can’t change who I am, a HUNTER in a society so catered to satisfying every whim of the GATHERER, that MY thought process appears strange. My brain is wired to comprehend, execute, and sustain ancient civilizations. I was born to make fantastic breakthroughs! ALL of the GREAT things humans are… is because of the people who were blessed enough to be born ADHD. We are the creators of the world we live in, though we take no responsibility for the demise of modern civilization.
After my dx, I pretty much became an alcoholic! I was so relieved to finally know that I had a disorder, and that I wasn’t just a complete failure at life!! But I quickly spiralled into a depression bc I realized that my ADHD was never gonna go away, that I was never gonna be a productive part of society! That I was forever gonna be just a walking collection of symptoms!! That I was never gonna get that Bachelors degree, never gonna have a real career, never gonna get a fair shot at success bc I am NOT and NEVER gonna be “normal”!
Life is better now though! I embrace my ADHD dx. I have accepted the fact that I am a hunter in a gatherers world. Learned to love myself, just as I am.❤. After all, what other choice do we have??
I HAVE to share this with you… it is so powerful! Keep in mind, I did NOT write this! It was beautifully written by Rachael Simmon. As a person with ADHD, I’m also the mother of 3 children with ADHD, and this couldn’t be more perfectly stated….
I sit here alone, as I often do, Looking through pictures, pictures of you,
I think of the good times as a family we’ve had,
But, lately, they seem far outweighed by the bad.
I know you’re unhappy and it makes my heart ache.
If wishes came true, then your place I’d take.
Your head is filled with anger. Your heart is full of pain.
For you, I am fighting, but I’m feeling the strain.
I’m not always patient. Sometimes I get mad.
I scream and I shout, and Lord, I feel bad.
‘Cause the last thing you need is more anger and hate.
Cause you’ve had plenty of that in your life to date.
No one knows of the loneliness or the tears that are shed.
They don’t care how you’re feeling, or whats going on in your head.
They see a boy naughty, what a pain you can be.
They should try living with ADHD.
This morning “you hate me.” I’m sure that you don’t.
“I’ll hate you forever.” I’m sure that you won’t.
Whatever you say, and whatever you do, the fact will remain, that I’ll always love you.
I pray for you daily. I cry for you too. I cry for my child to no longer be blue.
So if there is a God, and he’s listening to me,
Please try lessening the heartache of ADHD.
I haven’t written for a while. I’ve actually had a lot going on in my life to blog about, I just haven’t had the motivation. And what is my motivation now, you wonder… I wonder too. Is it my ever-present need for validation of my feelings, or is it just my need to connect with others out there, like me, who have ADHD and feel like they are THE ONLY ONE.. The Only One to have feelings of emptiness that nothing can fill, the need to escape reality by any means necessary because that’s what you were taught. The Only One who feels that they are totally unworthy of the love that those around them give. The Only One who feels that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all; or that ,once again, reality is just too painful too bear. The Only One who decides what is right and what is wrong in their life. The Only One who is left in the dark much of the time; The Only One who thinks everything is okay amidst a world of chaos. And The Only One who feels these feelings is me; because here, in my world, I AM THE ONLY ONE.