It starts with a thought, a small worry, a slight gesture or change in mood or emotion. It all begins innocently enough. Then, the small fluttering in my stomach starts to happen. The slight shakiness starts way down deep in my core, then radiates out to the tips of my fingers. As the grave thoughts and feelings get more unavoidable, the fluttering in my stomach turns into a feeling of strong vibration. Unlike nausea, this feeling is unwavering. The shaking is getting worse and the sweating begins. My pupils are now dilated as I am completely, physically, terrified. The emotions that accompany these intense physical symptoms are terrifying in themselves. Every irrational fear is amplified as thoughts of dying are now consuming me. I must be dying, I feel so out-of-control, detached, alone, AFRAID! If I’m not dying, I must, because these feelings are now too much to bear! I have ENORMOUS amounts of empathy for anyone who suffers from anxiety attacks. They are HELL.
…even though I’m inconsistent as hell, I still seem get something down in this blog every now and then. A few new developments have arose since the last time I wrote; first of all, I’m seeking a new diagnosis. I truly believe there is more to me than meets the eye. My ADHD is a constant struggle, but I have other issues I haven’t dealt with in a healthy manner. Secondly, my third eldest son (he just turned 17) had been diagnosed with ADHD. That makes 2 of my 6 sons, so far, to be “just like mommy”. Much to their fathers’ dispair, I’m sure. Lol
All in all, things are peachy!
Love to all…
I have been doing a lot of self evaluating lately resulting from another huge mistake made by me. Mistakes are common in the life of an ADDer, but the risky behaviors I display are not. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my diagnosis of ADHD is accurate, bit I truly believe there is something more.
Due to my traumatic childhood and my inability to communicate my feelings accurately, I think I may be struggling with BPD. I will be seeking a professional dx next week.
Thanks for reading, God bless!