The Only One

I haven’t written for a while. I’ve actually had a lot going on in my life to blog about, I just haven’t had the motivation.  And what is my motivation now, you wonder… I wonder too. Is it my ever-present need for validation of my feelings, or is it just my need to connect with others out there, like me, who have ADHD and feel like they are THE ONLY ONE..  The Only One to have feelings of emptiness that nothing can fill, the need to escape reality by any means necessary because that’s what you were taught.  The Only One who feels that they are totally unworthy of the love that those around them give.  The Only One who feels that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all; or that ,once again, reality is just too painful too bear.  The Only One who decides what is right and what is wrong in their life.  The Only One who is left in the dark much of the time; The Only One who thinks everything is okay amidst a world of chaos.  And The Only One who feels these feelings is me; because here, in my world, I AM THE ONLY ONE.

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My Add Impulsiveness

As I sit here desperately trying to get something written down, I am thinking about my ADD and how it has impacted my life.  I feel like I’ve accomplished a whole lot of nothing.  Before I go on though, I do want to say that my 6 sons have been my biggest and BEST accomplishment!

I know cause I’ve read it and because I live it, that one of the most dangerous things is a bored ADDer with uncontrollable vectors, pulling in all sorts of unhealthy directions.  I was diagnosed at 27 years old and by then I had made quite the mess of my life, now at 42 and medicated, I’m still cleaning up my “messes”;  and, if you can believe it, making more.  I’ve come to realize that my life, along with every other woman with ADD, is a work in progress.  We have to make mistakes to learn from them, but damn, why does everything feel like some sort of lesson that I’m doomed never to learn.  Let’s see; I have 6 boys, (kept trying for a girl), I’m on my 3rd husband, I’ve never held a real job for more than a few weeks, I quit high school 2 weeks before graduation.  And… I joined the Navy Reserves for a short time, I ran for a political position in my township…and won!  I worked on and off for several years in a loud, flashy-light nightclub;  I’ve attempted college more times than I can count, I have 3 medical certifications because I kept changing my mind about what I wanted to do.  I’ve been an addict, an alcoholic BUT also a survivor. If my life doesen’t scream ADHD, I don’t know what would.

Whew! Most of my secrets in one paragraph. All, in all, an ADDer is who I am, and most of the time I do not like myself.  But I am working on that.  Forgiving myself for all of my bad choices is a constant vigil. I bear scars from self-loathing.  Thank you for reading.

Addiction

From the age of 5 I’ve known what dope was. I knew the smell, how it makes people act, how it makes people feel, how it made you feel, I wished for a different you, everyday. A do over, a do over on being conceived, and do over on being born here, you could’ve created someone else but you created me, tortured me with your selfishness, arrogance, ignorance, verbal abuse and self hate. I hate you, and what you did to 3 perfect souls. As hard as this is to say, I love you, you created 3 beautiful souls who will become everything you weren’t. Thank you for teaching me at age 5 not to become an addict. –Unknown

I don’t know who wrote this but, when I ran across it, it really hit home. You see,  I grew up with a pill addicted mom, and thank God, I forgave her for her “raw humanness” before she passed. Though, I still pray for the little girl inside me that was so often devastated by her mommy’s behavior.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your day!