It is so nice to be able to focus on what I choose to, not what my mind wants to. My mind would like to be all over the place, but not today. Today I took the medicine that makes the ADD go away. Literally, for the next few hours, I get to be as ‘normal’ as any non-ADDer. That is the only reason I can write right now.
It is also so nice to actually engage in conversation with my husband. He can yap and yap and yap, and I will catch every word. Usually, I cannot focus long enough to chat, let alone, listen to my husbands looooong stories. Today is a good day for me. Enjoy yours!
Hello readers! It has definitely been a while since I’ve written. Getting my brain to focus on a post has been quite difficult lately. ADHD is to blame, it’s both a blessing and a curse!
This is not exactly ADHD related, but if you are a MOM raising only boys…. You need to read this! It was written by an admin in a fb group I belong to, exclusively for “boy moms”! I, myself, have 6 sons!
We are hard on ourselves and struggle often to raise these little male humans, obviously… Moms are not boys.
Again, this was not written by me! I just had to share! Enjoy!
What Does It Mean To Be A BOYMOM?
Everytime I read an article or social media post about what it is like to be a boymom I see a comment about how raising girls is exactly the same & just as hard as raising boys. Usually, the comment is made by a mother who doesn’t have any sons & I have to smile & shake my head because I know that she doesn’t understand. She can’t understand. She probably thinks that the term Boymom is simply a way to perpetuate gender stereotypes, a way to laugh off the boys will be boys culture, & a way to make moms with sons feel superior because they gave birth to the golden children that have penises.
This can’t be further from the truth!
Boymoms know that there are many similarities between boys & girls. Girls can make messes & eat mud pies & boys can like to paint their toe nails & sleep with baby dolls. Girls can be obsessed with dinosaurs & boys can love to bake cupcakes. I have seen the #boymom & #lifewithboys tag used for everything from pee on the bathroom floor to a picture of a toddler boy who got into his mother’s makeup & put it on his face so he could be like mommy.
Boymoms are proud of our boys & each & everyone of them is different & unique in their own special ways.
But the truth is that raising boys comes with one huge difference from raising girls. A boymom is tasked with raising a child who she will never fully be able to relate to. We try our bests to give them all of the love & support they need & our goal is to raise them to be good men, but there are many instances in their lives when we are blindly guiding them through things that we have no experience with. Things we don’t fully even understand. I frequently compare it to living in a foreign country when you don’t speak the language. This is what makes being a boymom somewhat more difficult of an experience than raising girls.
It starts when they are toddlers & begin to explore their bodies. Boymoms are left wondering just exactly why little boys become so obsessed with playing with their penis & balls. We don’t see our friends daughters sitting in church with their fingers in their vaginas, but little Timmy has to be reminded eight times to keep his hands out of his pants.
Potty training is also a different experience with boys. Females have it pretty easy. We sit, push, stuff comes out, we wipe, & we are done. Boys have to worry about things like aim, spray, & volume. This is a challenge that seems to plague even the best of them their entire lives. Boymoms actually have to teach their sons to use body parts they have never had to use themselves.
As boys get older being a boymom gets more challenging. As women we could easily teach a preteen daughter about her period & sympathize with her when she gets bad cramps. However, as women we don’t know what it is like to have surges of testosterone running through our body. We have never had to worry about our voice cracking while reading out loud in class & we don’t know what it feels like to get a random erection in front of the entire school during a talent show. Despite our inability to relate we still have to help our sons through puberty.
Than our teenage sons start to be told to ‘act like a man’. Boymoms have never had to ‘act like a man’ because we are women. There are so many conflicting messages in the world about what it means to be a ‘man’ so again we have to help guide them through something outside our realm of experience. We have to teach our sons that they are bigger & stronger than women, including their own mom, & therefore must act as protectors instead of aggressors. This is something mothers of girls will never have to worry about.
These are just a few examples. There are many experiences during adolescence & adulthood that are biologically different for males than for females.
This is why we identify as boymoms. This is why we write articles & social media posts. This is why we come together as a community to discuss our experiences. Why we lean on each other for advice. Why we assure each other that things our sons do that seem wierd to us are normal.
We can’t always reach out to our friends & family that are raising girls or who only raised girls because they don’t know how it feels. We can’t always get comfort from the men in our lives because they also don’t 100% understand what we are going through. Parenting boys isn’t as hard for them as it is for us because they know what their sons are experiencing because they were once young boys too.
So we label ourselves as boymoms & we find our squad. The other women who understand. The ones who offer support with out judgement.
So mothers of girls, when you see a mom caption her picture #boymom or a mom who has a cute shirt on that identifies her as a ‘mom of boys’ know that she uses that caption or wears that shirt because she is proud of her sons & she is proud to be a part of the community of women who are raising their boys together. Allowing her to acknowledge that her experience as a mother is different than yours in no way diminishes your own experiences. You are a bad ass mom too & raising girls can be extremely challenging as well, but it is different than raising boys & it is ok for both boymoms & mothers of girls to acknowledge those differences.
Boys & girls are equal but they are not exactly the same. #lifewithboys
This is a response, to a reply on a Reddit post about ADHD, that I wrote…
Bless your heart, you have struggled long enough. I hear you, loud and clear, when you say that you are broke financially and emotionally. I completely understand about all the “what if’s”. I’m no different than you. At this very moment, I believe my bank account holds $1.76!! I am struggling to pay for real estate classes that start next week, and I have NO CLUE where the money is going to come from! I have such BIG HOPES AND DREAMS, am I going to GIVE UP, yet AGAIN, just because I can’t come up with 300 bucks???
… HELL NO!
NOT THIS TIME!!
But, in all actuality, it’s not about the money. It’s about the mindset. If you lack determination and drive, you will struggle. Most people, like us, just don’t have the drive. I sure didn’t! And I’m not even 100% sure if I’ve got it now, but I am NOT giving myself the option of giving up.
A couple of weeks ago, I did some serious soul searching. (I do this on a daily basis, lol, don’t we all!?) The conversation in my head began the same as it always does…” I suck, my life is going NOWHERE, I’m broke, something has to change, I can’t go on, this time will be different,…” I almost couldn’t even continue the conversation…… It was the SAME thing I’d been telling myself for years and I hadn’t listened to myself before, why should I now????
Here is where it gets real. Instead of talking to myself, I decided to take a good look at myself. I briefly glanced at my unproductive past, filled with dissapointments, failures, and damaged relationships. I, then, tried to focus on my future…..What future??? I could only see MORE failures ahead. I started thinking about the PEOPLE in my life that I had let down. My children, who at this time, had/have NO real role model in their lives to emulate. How on earth can I expect a positive, healthy, successful future for them, when I’m not living a successful life?? No wonder my family has alienated me!! Eventually, everyone, even my precious children, will have no use for me! What the hell do I have to offer anyone? I am of absolutely no use to anyone, I am seroiusly just taking up space. I AM, IN FACT, A FAILURE! I frantically began searching for a way out of this mess of a life I’d made and quickly realized there wasn’t one!! I WAS, for the first time, TERRIFIED!
Only my death will fix this, so I seriously contemplated suicide. I believed that if I wasn’t around, my precious children would be forced to live with people that would, hopefully, push them to be the BEST they can be!! I want that for them, they deserve that!
My mind was made up, I’m going to kill myself. But, I didn’t feel good about this decision. I knew I needed to die, I just didn’t want my kids to cry for me. 😥😟😭😭😭
And, in that moment, in some crazy twist-of-fate, something inside me snapped!!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THEM! I WON’T LEAVE THEM!
What the fuck am I thinking?? ADHD strikes again…telling me to give up, cant do this, failure! OH, NO ADHD! NOT TODAY!!
I changed my whole pattern of thinking. My whole pattern of thinking HAD TO CHANGE!!! I realized that the things i was doing in my life, up to this point, WERE NOT WORKING!!! So, I began doing the OPPOSITE of everything!! …
Aaaaand, guess what???
Hey Readers! I’m back! I’m sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. A lot has happened in my little world since my last post. And a lot is going on currently. I’ve finally maxed out on my dose of ADHD medicine, and it still isn’t lasting long enough. Time to move on to something different. And with everything going on, I really could use more focus!
I’ve been very pleased to see that my adult ADD (ADHD) Facebook page is growing at a steady rate. It’s getting the word out there about mental illness and adult ADHD, in particular. You can visit my page by clicking the link… MyAdultADDPage
Those of us with these ‘invisible’ issues tend to be the most isolated. We think that we are all alone and no one understands what we’re going through. Just because we don’t look sick, we’re treated as such. That’s just not fair. “It’s all in your head”, they say. “Why can’t you just snap out of it”, they ask. “Get your shit together”, they scold. That’s like demanding that a paraplegic get up from his wheelchair and miraculously walk! It’s just NOT gonna happen. Mental illness is a combination of biological and psychological factors. Chemical imbalances and non-existent neuro pathways cause chaos in the brain. Chaos that some folks live with on a day to day basis because they go undiagnosed. Diagnosis is key. Awareness is everything. Medication and therapy can help.
Sorry, for a moment there I thought I was writing on my page. lol Forgot where I was. See, right there, perfect example… ADHD at it’s finest, forgot where I was on the internet! I’m done. lol
I miss going to the greenhouse to pick out the perfect hanging basket of pink petunias, they were her favorite. I miss picking out a new set of plaid dishtowels, in just the right shade of country-blue to match her kitchen. I miss standing in the greeting card aisle, tearing up, as I read each and every heart-felt sediment.
Every now and again, I look at your pictures and wonder how I could ever cherish a piece paper more. At times, I’ll hear your voice, and it sounds sweet like a song. And, I’ll always know that no one could ever love me more than you did, Mom. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and many questions will, forever, go unanswered, but, I know you were exactly who I needed you to be. Being a mother; it’s a labor of love that requires a special kind of person. You were my person!
Thank you for being my Mom!
Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven!
Newly diagnosed, yet, full of promise. I vow to not fail my child with ADD, as I was so obviously failed myself. We’ve attained the diagnosis and are armed with the medicine to help manage his distractibility. It doesn’t end there though, children with ADD/ADHD have often built up a negative self image. And, by the time they are diagnosed, self esteem problems are already there. I have to make sure my child knows he’s not damaged or dumb, he has to know that his brain is just wired differently. I have to challenge myself to be the best example I can be. As a mom with ADD, I have to make my boy proud, I have to set a perfect example of a successful life with ADHD.
MY God, did I say that? A successful life with ADHD ? Is that even possible? I’m 43 and far from a success. How will I ever do this? I could use some good references.
Wish me the best of luck as I lovingly try to raise a successful ADDer!
I haven’t written for a while. I’ve actually had a lot going on in my life to blog about, I just haven’t had the motivation. And what is my motivation now, you wonder… I wonder too. Is it my ever-present need for validation of my feelings, or is it just my need to connect with others out there, like me, who have ADHD and feel like they are THE ONLY ONE.. The Only One to have feelings of emptiness that nothing can fill, the need to escape reality by any means necessary because that’s what you were taught. The Only One who feels that they are totally unworthy of the love that those around them give. The Only One who feels that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all; or that ,once again, reality is just too painful too bear. The Only One who decides what is right and what is wrong in their life. The Only One who is left in the dark much of the time; The Only One who thinks everything is okay amidst a world of chaos. And The Only One who feels these feelings is me; because here, in my world, I AM THE ONLY ONE.
I am truly grateful to all of you who take the time to visit my blog. I thank you so very much for your likes and comments. My motivation to write comes from the slight chance that I may get a new reader; to share some insight with others struggling, so we know we’re not alone with our adult ADD. Love to you all! Xoxo
Day in and day out with a disorder takes it’s toll on a person. Always trying to conform-to-the-norm, is a fruitless effort. I’d rather just be me, without the label, without the description of a person that I don’t want to be; Lazy, unmotivated, lack of discipline, stupid, crazy, too emotional, unstable, forgetful, uncaring. I’m sick of all the lables. I’m ashamed of the way I am. I cannot help my disorder, no one with ADHD actually wants it, we just learn to cope, and hope everyday that we’ll be able to overcome just one more time. We must keep the fascade of normalcy ever present especially if we could ever hope to function reasonably in this disfunctional world.
We ADHDers need positive lables; creative, fun, energetic, problem-solver, multitasker, go-getter, enthusiastic,… We need to feel accepted and important to you. The wrong label put on someone who is silently suffering is devastating. ADHD is a disability, not an inability.