Defining Diagnosis

I am the face of adult ADHD.  I am defined by my diagnosis.  My whole personality and outlook comes from an exhausting list of symptoms and shortcomings.  ADHD is funny like that, the symptom list describes sufferers to a tee.  I’m not nice, thoughtful, and caring; instead, I’m disorganized, impulsive, and inattentive.

Why does it have to be this way?  Is it that I really am just a walking disorder?  Too many times I’ve tried to be “better”, I just can’t.  This is me, a tangled up mess of issues and complications.  Quirky and funny at times, but always anxious about “blowing it” in front of people.  I try to hide my ADHD, try to pay attention when someone is talking, and try to be a good friend.  It just doesn’t work out for me.  My inability to stay focused has ruined a lot, of what could have been, good friendships.  I like people, I’m just not well liked in return.  Breaks my heart and causes me great angst.

I want to be defined for who I am, not for my disability.

…and who I am is an adult with ADHD.Snapchat-1178210889

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My Day

Hello readers!  Hope everyone is well, cause, thank goodness, I am.  I was having some bouts of extreme anxiety,  For now, the hell of it has subsided.  Plus, I have been trying to be more productive the last few days.  And even though, I’ve not gotten a lot done, I’ve accomplished some.  That makes me proud of myself, which seems to help the anxiety.  I also started using a vape pen.  I know it may not be the best thing for me but it seems to take the edge off my nerves.  Buying the JUUL was kind of an impulsive purchase but I like it.  Thanks ADHD!

I am also excited tonight as my family will be getting together with some friends we haven’t seen for a while.  A campfire, Seagram’s, and good friends! Priceless!

Writing Woes

I’ve been absent from here for a bit because I’m in a writing rut again.  I was very excited about my last post, but since then, I’m having writers block again.  So, I just thought I’d start typing and just see what comes out.  I have been really struggling with anxiety lately.  It is horrible, it reminds me of that quote that says, “depression is when you care about nothing, anxiety is where you care too much about everything, and having both is hell”.  I feel as if I am writing in a diary for everyone too see, maybe that is why it is hard for me to get my feelings out effectively.  Or maybe its because I’m misunderstood so often that I’ve decided to clam up.  Regardless, I know that it is better for me to talk and write about my feelings than to keep them bottled up. This blog should be my therapy. I should just start pouring my heart out.  If I only knew where to start…