Like Bricks In A Backpack

Some days my secondary disorders overshadow the first one. My depression has stemmed from years of undiagnosed ADD. The regrets and disappointments are almost too much to bear.
I have etched each let-down, each irrisponsibile act, and each broken heart; I’ve etched everytime I dissapointed someone, everytime I didn’t listen, and everytime I wasn’t the friend that I should have been. All of these moments are each etched in a brick.  I carry these bricks in a tattered backpack; on my back I carry this weight. I read these bricks every day and relive the pain and hurt I’ve caused; and the pain, hurt, and unrelenting guilt I feel.
I wonder, if now, a new disorder will appear. The Christian in me says, “let go, let God”. That may be the best advice I can give myself.

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2 thoughts on “Like Bricks In A Backpack

  1. One thing I’ve learned since my diagnosis is that no matter how much I may regret the past, I cannot change it. I am learning to let go of those things and not beat myself up over them. Doing that is pointless. I have so much to look forward to now that I know why I do the things I do. I am learning to accept myself the way I am. I hope that you can find a way to forgive yourself and free yourself from those regrets.

    I can’t find “Let go and let God” in scripture, but there is something very similar: “Cease striving and know that I am God.”

    To cease striving is really, really hard, but when you do, when you can become calm, in the quiet, that is when you begin to really know God.

    Liked by 1 person

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